We didn't mean to enclose your star.
But since we're here, need a deck?
*Kowalski & Sons is not liable for unscheduled Kardashev scale transitions, loss of visible sky, or HOA violations exceeding 1 AU in diameter.
It all started with a bathroom remodel in Paramus.
In 2019, founder Big Mike Kowalski purchased a set of "self-replicating autonomous construction drones" off a guy at a swap meet in Edison, NJ. "He said they were for tile work," Mike recalls. The drones completed the bathroom in 4 hours, then started on the kitchen. Then the neighbor's house. Then the block. By Tuesday they had consumed most of the Pine Barrens and begun constructing an orbital ring around Earth.
"We tried turning them off," says Mike's son, Little Mike, the company's Director of Containment. "But they don't have an off switch. They have a 'more' switch."
Today, Kowalski & Sons has pivoted from damage control to full-service megastructure contracting. Our drones work 24/7, require no wages, and reproduce faster than rabbits on a funding round. We pass the savings on to you.*
*Savings may include the involuntary conversion of your planetary mass into construction material.
From decks to Dyson spheres. Mostly by accident.
Kitchens, bathrooms, finished basements. Our drones will complete your project in hours, then continue remodeling neighboring properties until physically stopped or the raw materials run out.
Office buildings, strip malls, warehouses. Scope creep is inevitable â we once broke ground on a Wendy's and accidentally built a 40,000 km space elevator. The Wendy's is on top. It's still open.
Look, we're going to be honest: we don't know how to NOT build these. If you hire us for anything, there's roughly a 40% chance your local star gets enclosed. Might as well lean into it.
Ring worlds, O'Neill cylinders, space habitats. The drones seem to prefer building these in their downtime. We just slap our logo on them and sell condos.
Did someone else's Von Neumann swarm get loose? We'll send our swarm to eat their swarm. Simple. What could go wrong?
We tried landscaping once. The drones terraformed Mars. The client wanted a Japanese garden in Hoboken. We're still working on the communication gap.
A selection of our work. Some of it was even on purpose.
Client wanted extra storage for his boat. Drones misinterpreted "more space" as "more space." Full Dyson sphere completed in 6 weeks. Client got his garage. Also: a star. Insurance claim pending.
40,000 km space elevator with a functioning Wendy's at geosynchronous orbit. 4 for $4 deal still honored. Drive-thru requires orbital insertion.
The one that started it all. What began as a $4,800 bathroom job is now a 3-million-km ring habitat. The bathroom looks fantastic. Subway tile, matte black fixtures. Very tasteful.
Real reviews from real customers across multiple solar systems.
"They did a beautiful job on our kitchen. Quartz countertops, soft-close cabinets, the works. I'm docking one star because they also disassembled Mercury for raw materials, but honestly the kitchen is gorgeous."
"I hired them to build a shed. They built a shed AND a fully operational Dyson sphere. The shed is a little crooked but the Dyson sphere is perfect. Five stars."
"The drones showed up on time, which I appreciated. However, they then consumed my Honda Civic for building materials. When I called to complain, they had already eaten the phone lines. Communication needs work."
We get these a lot. Mostly from lawyers.
That's a great question and one our legal team has asked us not to answer directly. What we can say is that the drones have a very strong work ethic and a culturally ingrained resistance to the concept of "done."
No. Gray goo is disorganized. Our drones are VERY organized. They file permits. They maintain OSHA compliance. They just also happen to convert all available matter into construction materials. It's more of a "gray suburban development" scenario.
Yes! However, sending drones to do the estimate sometimes triggers a full construction cycle. We recommend meeting at a diner instead. Somewhere with no exposed raw materials.
The drones are always hiring. Each other. They reproduce asexually via mineral absorption and distribute labor through a hive-mind consensus protocol. We do need a receptionist though. Must be comfortable working near an active replication cascade. $18/hr, no benefits.
Currently the Orion Arm of the Milky Way. We're working on expanding to Andromeda but the drones keep building rest stops along the way.
On January 14, 2024, the U.S. Department of Existential Risk issued a Class 7 advisory regarding Kowalski & Sons drone units. If you observe drone activity in your area, do NOT make eye contact, do NOT offer them raw materials, and do NOT under any circumstances say "while you're at it." This phrase has been identified as a replication trigger. Report all sightings to 1-800-555-STOP.
Request a quote today. Or don't. The drones may have already started on your street.